Forgiveness. It’s a challenging decision, action, and emotion. When you’re so badly hurt by someone you love, it can be difficult to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t always heal what has already been done but it places a blanket of compassion over damaging words and actions. The more that we hold onto negative emotions (such as anger, disappointment, pain, resentment, etc.), the more that they direct our daily lives. It impacts our self-worth and confidence by breaking down who we believe we’re meant to be. Without forgiveness, we begin to believe that those words and actions belong to us and slowly, they become us.

It’s Not Easy

Forgiveness has always been difficult for me. I grew up with a father that always pleaded for forgiveness, yet continued a path of poor behavior, disappointing choices, and self-destruction. His talk was always much bigger than his walk and it wore on me. Being stood up at dances and forgot about was something I began believing I was only good enough for. I forgave and I worked harder at being the daughter that I thought I was “supposed” to be. Young and naive. I believed that maybe his mental disorder would be cured by the alcohol that he drank and the snarky comments that followed. So, I forgave, and I continued to forgive until I became a wilted teenage girl that just couldn’t take it anymore.

I stopped forgiving and began pushing everyone away when they did me wrong. It was easier to prevent people from hurting me twice than letting them come back into my life. Forgiveness wasn’t an action that I was capable of for so long. Holding grudges and remaining bitter was my forte. I built a wall around myself and no one could come in and break it. Forgiving other people isn’t an easy task because it gives them the chance to hurt you again. Have you ever heard the quote, “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”? That’s how I felt about forgiveness. I wouldn’t allow someone the chance to fool me twice the way my father did so many times.

When I began working on forgiveness, my life changed. The weight physically felt like it was lifted off my shoulders and I was able to see my future right in front of me. I was no longer responsible for the words, actions, and thoughts of other people. My father’s choices no longer had a grip on where I was headed. It was a process and it’s still a work in progress but since coming into a place of forgiving others, I’ve blossomed into myself without worrying about others.

How Forgiveness Frees and Empowers

Mercilessness doesn’t hurt others as much as it hurts you. It weighs you down and lets yourself believe that what they said or did is true. Forgiveness eradicates those beliefs and reminds you of your worth, brings clarity to the mind, and allows you to reach new heights.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. It allows you to free yourself from all the wrongdoings and pain caused by what’s been said and done by others. When you hold on to what someone said of you, you’re holding on to a false statement that’s holding you back from becoming who you are supposed to be. When you hold on to what someone did to you, you’re allowing that to determine your self-worth and what you’re capable of doing. Holding on to other people’s actions will keep you held captive by the lies that you aren’t good enough to rise above.

Holding on to what others say about you and do to you makes you believe that you aren’t good enough. It gives them the power to make you feel small. The emotions that you feel are internal and those that hurt you don’t have to feel that day in and day out. The suffering is only happening to you so take your power back, let go of the past, and stop letting others weigh you down. Often, it feels that forgiving relinquishes your hold and control over others but in fact, it’s freeing. It puts the ball in your court and allows you to control where you go next.

When to Forgive

When you forgive, you accept. It could be accepting the actions of others or accepting who they are. From there, you must decide to reconcile or move on. There isn’t a right or a wrong in that decision and it’s not one that someone can make for you. Do you believe that they will continue to hurt you, or will they make an effort to support and uplift you? Forgiveness is not a single act, it’s a process that can take time and space. Forgiving others means releasing hatred rather than allowing it to consume you. Forgiveness is a decision that comes with time, but it is important to forgive others when the initial anger and hurt go away. Holding on to it too long can result in lower self-confidence and increased bitterness that holds you back.

Reconciliation

Offering reconciliation with someone that’s hurt you takes trust, bravery, and courage. Maybe it was something small or maybe it was something big; reconciliation is giving someone the power to hurt you again but trusting them not to. Sometimes this takes time to build that back up again. A common misconception of forgiveness is that it means reconciliation and though forgiveness is in reconciliation, reconciliation is not always a part of forgiveness. Sometimes the people we love, hurt us the most. It happens. We let people down, mistakes happen, and life goes on.

Shutting people out every time you get hurt leads to a lack of relationships, bitterness, and lowered confidence levels. This was such a hard lesson to learn going through high school. I didn’t trust anyone that hurt me once. I quickly ended up being on the outside, resenting all the friends that wanted to support me. Reconciliation wasn’t something I wanted with anyone because I compared them all to my father that continued to let me down. Don’t lose people who genuinely care about you out of fear that they will hurt you again because, chances are, they will. No one is perfect but there are different malicious acts and mistakes.

When to Move On

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean that you must invite them back into your life. Forgiveness is an act of compassion and consciousness. It’s extending grace to others for their wrongdoings rather than harboring negative feelings that weigh you down. It’s okay to forgive someone and still move on. It doesn’t mean that they have to be placed back into your life with the potential of placing harm on you again. Moving on from someone isn’t a selfish act. Some people never change and sometimes “sorry” doesn’t mean anything. Forgiving and moving on will give you the freedom to decide how others affect you.

Forgiveness affects our well-being by allowing us to believe the false words that others cast upon us. It kills our ability to see our potential because of the actions that others did to betray us. Holding grudges and harboring negative emotions about other people clouds our judgment affects our well-being by sending our energy to people that may not have our best interest in mind. Clinging on to other’s actions from the past is preventing us from propelling forward.