Someone once told me that they don’t believe in anxiety. They said that anxiety is manifested in the body based on how we speak about it in our lives. The more we say we have it, the more we will believe it to be true for ourselves. I call bull shit. The energy you put out is the energy you receive. Right? Correct. And there is a level of truth to this idea about anxiety because when we hyper-focus on anything, it will become more prevalent in our lives. So, sure, anxiety can be greater manifested based on what we say and do in our lives. But, anxiety is a real emotion and feeling in the body characterized by nervousness, panic, increased heart rate, sweat, fatigue, etc. Anxiety is very real for many people, including myself.

Anxiety isn’t felt by all, which is why so many people are resistant to the idea that it’s real. It can also present differently in each individual. One may feel crippling isolation, while another feels a sense of fear of doing things alone, whereas another may struggle to get outside of their comfort zone. There is a wide range of symptoms and triggers for anxiety but one thing for sure is that it is, in fact, a real thing that individuals across the world feel on a regular basis.

The First Time

I remember the first time I truly felt anxiety in my life. It was terrifying and a full-blown panic. I don’t think I would have been able to pinpoint it as anxiety while feeling it, but looking back, I can recognize that this was the first moment that anxiety was a part of me. My grandparents had taken us in a year prior as my mom was navigating life while getting out of a toxic relationship. My dad was an alcoholic. My brother wanted nothing to do with me. And, I was the epitome of an extroverted teenager that needed stimulation and constant conversation. I was lonely. I had little direction on my purpose, as most other teenagers. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to belong. I wanted so much that I believed I didn’t have. I felt lost and confused.

I woke up one particular morning with my heart trembling and my stomach in knots. I needed someone, something. My mom, newly dating the man she would later marry (shoutout to Ryan for being the best stepdad I could have ever asked for), was out boating for the day. My dad, numbing out in his bedroom, was out of commission for anyone else’s needs. My grandparents, being far done raising children, were off to the movies to enjoy their day together. I felt the wave of terror become me. Who do I turn to? Where do I go? What do I do? The crippling anxiety took over my being and before I knew it, I was laying on the tile floor. Screaming. Crying. Pounding my head against the cold foundation beneath me. Trying to feel anything but the empty, lonely pain inside.

I felt like a monster. How could I be acting like this? And how could I stop? What do I do? A moment of isolation that felt like the end of the world. Where do I go from here? Do I hope someone finds me here to help me on my feet? Do I muster the courage to stand up, shake it off, and pretend all is well? What’s the right answer? Someone, please help. Anyone. Anything.

This was the first time anxiety crept into my life, paralyzing me beyond my control. Who knew it could be so vicious? So violent? So traumatizing? There wasn’t one particular thing that triggered this moment. Just a compilation of hard truths, tough emotions, and past experiences reminding me that I’m not immune to the struggles in this world. This was the first moment I felt anxiety become me; it sure wasn’t the last.

Finding Me

For far too long I hid my anxiety. I’m sure there was a sense of anxiousness within me, visible to all. But the real, hard-hitting anxiety, no one was allowed to see. I felt shame. I felt abnormal. I sat with it, believing that I deserved to feel the unbearable pain, especially if I had lashed out. Since I had anxiety, I deserved to hold the shame that followed. It made sense then. My heart breaks for that younger Madi. I wish I could hug her. I wish I could tell her that it’s normal, it’s okay, and she’s safe.

Learning about myself in relation to my anxiety was hard. It took years, and I mean YEARS to uncover the triggers and origins of my anxiety. The answers didn’t just show up. I had to show up for the answers to be seen. I was tired of feeling like I had a huge secret. I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t let others peek into my life. This was diminishing my already low confidence levels. Anxiety already makes you feel as if you aren’t good enough as if you have something you should fear. Hiding it adds a layer of complication. It strips you from your ability to connect with others, making you feel even more inadequate and invisible, feeding into the continuous cycle of fear.

I didn’t even know that I had lost myself in a puddle of emotions. I’ve always been a highly sensitive person (a trait I’m now proud of and transparent about). Feeling your emotions is one thing, understanding and navigating them in a healthy manner is another. I never saw my feelings as a superpower. Growing up, I was constantly made fun of for crying, getting offended, or being overwhelmed. Because of this, I shut down and tried to not feel. Ask me how well that worked, hah! It didn’t. All it did was heighten my emotions and encourage my anxiety.

Finding myself was a long journey filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The journey back home to myself isn’t one I take for granted. It took so much unlearning, unpacking, and reconnecting. It started with an emotional breakthrough that sparked the need to change. I had to be stripped of every ounce of confidence in order to rebuild myself into the person I am today; stronger, connected, and more resilient than ever.

The Hard Truth

Anxiety is your body telling you when something doesn’t feel safe. There’s a piece of anxiety that protects you, guiding you, giving you the chance to listen and trust your intuition. There is a piece of anxiety that is healthy. It can help you thrive in many ways. Many people have anxiety, without even realizing it. Anxiety is not feeling adequate to go for your dreams. Anxiety is not being able to go for a walk on your own. Anxiety is feeling like you need someone with you at all times in order to succeed. Anxiety is not having all of the answers. Anxiety doesn’t have to be a panic attack to be real. It’s simply a combination of hard emotions, peeking through to challenge you.

The hard truth about anxiety is that it wants you to feel alone. It wants you to shrink and hide. It thrives most when you fail. It won’t allow you to feel common humanity. It’s you, against them. The good news is that human connection is a far greater force than anxiety. We may not always be able to control what we feel but we can control how we react to our feelings. Hiding your anxiety only exacerbated the experience. When anxiety peeks through, show up in it to work through it. Share your experience with other people that deserve your trust, and that deserve to hear your story. Anxiety wants you to feel alone but you don’t have to be.

Leaning In

The term anxiety isn’t being overused, as many people believe. It’s that we’re learning the importance of showing up, of not hiding. We’re getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. We’re recognizing that hiding is only preventing us from feeling and connecting to the world around us. We can show up and become different than our families that never talked about emotions and the hard truths in life. We must lean in to walk through. We must break down to break through.

There is also a piece of anxiety that is healthy. Think of anxiety as bacteria in the body. Just as some bacteria boost your immune system, anxiety can help push you forward while also keeping you safe. Too much of the wrong bacteria and you become sick. Too much of the wrong anxiety and you become panicked and paralyzed. You need some to thrive, but too much and you simply can’t survive. Anxiety is generally triggered by the past yet future-focused. We must lean into that unknown to cultivate change in our lives. Leaning into fear can be scary and liberating. Showing up when anxiety hits is one of the hardest and most transformative things we can do.

Anxiety is manifested in the body based on how we speak about it in our lives. However, the more we say we have it, the more we are setting it free in order to live free. Not speaking about anxiety while burying it down is only manifesting more. Think again about the bacteria idea. Let unhealthy bacteria sit in your body and it will continue to grow. Anxiety is the same. Allow it to sit without uncovering its origins and working through it is only allowing it to multiply and inhibit us from truly stepping into our power and purpose. Because that’s just what our emotions are. They are our superpowers. They allow us to feel and allow us to catapult into the people we are innately designed to be. The energy you put out is the energy you receive. So show up, lean in, and put your energy towards showing up in a non-reactive way while understanding how anxiety can be used as a tool in your life. You cannot simply ignore it, it will not just go away. Anxiety is very real, for many people. Let’s use the power of shared humanity to connect rather than withdraw. Your anxiety can be a part of you without defining you. Feel that. Nurture that. Be that.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health and needs immediate assistance, please call the crisis line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

If you or anyone you know needs more support in life to navigate anxiety and confidence, please reach out to me here or schedule a free call with me here.