One year ago, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. This decision was incredibly weird to make because it felt so right and aligned with who I am yet it took so much for me to actually commit to it. I always knew inside that this was right, this is the way I was supposed to live. But, for so long I went against that. I listened outward and followed rather than looking inward. So I drank. And with every sip, I contemplated, questioned, and craved more. It’s what you do in your early twenties and no one else seemed to question it, so I suppressed my inner knowing and went along with it. I haven’t publicly talked about my relationship with alcohol outside of those close to me. Partly because I knew once I did, I would be held more accountable and it would become part of who I am. And partly because it didn’t seem worth sharing. Who cares if I do or don’t drink? I was never an alcoholic and there are people that struggle way more than I do. But, this is the issue. We’re taught that our stories aren’t worth sharing because “it could always be worse” and since I’m not a full-blown alcoholic, what does it even matter? But, in this past year, I’ve become more in tune with myself and more aware of the world around me and that seems worth sharing. That matters.

My Relationship With Alcohol

I grew up with an alcoholic father, a mother who loves her nightly wine, and alcohol was just a part of the norm. Ever since I was young, I struggled with it though. I hated when my mom poured another glass. I resented my dad every time he acted even slightly out of his regular personality knowing it was influenced by a bottle of vodka. And, I hated gatherings where alcohol was involved because I felt like no one would be capable of having meaningful conversations and if they did occur, there was a good chance it wouldn’t be remembered. Sure, not every conversation needed to be in-depth and methodical but I didn’t love the thought of it not even being an option. Maybe that’s the empath in me, always wanting to connect as much as possible with others. And, maybe alcohol didn’t ruin every conversation. But, growing up the way I did, I saw alcohol as the issue, always. As I grew older, alcohol became a thief of so many important memories, memories that I knew would be engrained in my mind forever but were just fleeting moments to those around me.

The memories of my parent’s drinking tarnished my idea of alcohol for so long. My inner knowing knew it wasn’t something I wanted to mess with but of course, as most young people do, I went against this. In high school, I was never the one to go out and drink, smoke, or party with my classmates. It wasn’t what I wanted or who I was. But, I got a job at the local grocery store, found friends that were older than I, and finally felt like I fit into a crowd. Having older friends in high school felt right. I was always more mature than my fellow classmates and these new friends made me feel special, like I belonged. But, older friends also meant that they were old enough to drink (legally). So, I began drinking, partying, and enjoying life and though this went against my inner knowing, I validated it in my head. If they were old enough to drink and handle themselves, I am too. Hell, they trust me enough to be their friend, I should trust myself enough to make these decisions. I was wrong. Each morning that I woke up, I regretted my decision. Not because I went against the rules, but because I went against myself.

Time went on and we all began to separate. Not in a bad way, I’m still friends with many of them today. But, we were evolving, growing, and some parted ways while some developed stronger relationships as we’ve come to better understand ourselves. But, this was not without struggle, at least not for me. Alcohol was merely one piece of a 500 piece puzzle. So many little crooked edges, that when put together, made up my life. Looking back, I realize how much alcohol was negatively impacting me. I had more anxiety (social anxiety and general anxiety, struggled to understand my emotions and the rollercoaster of them, had more unproductive days, poorer quality of sleep, and resented myself (physically and emotionally) on a regular basis. My puzzle was messy, confusing, and never seemed to make up a clear picture. I wasn’t staying true to myself and was grabbing pieces from various boxes. If I continued, I knew the greater picture ever make sense.

Emotion and Connection

For so long, I told myself that I could drink alcohol and not be like my father. I was capable of being different and better. But, as time went on, I realized this wasn’t exactly the case. If alcohol was in the picture, I knew I would be going against myself, what I know, and what I want. All I ever wanted was connection, and with each drink, I pulled myself further from that. There was no way for me to drink in moderation and handle myself. There was no such thing as one glass of wine or one cocktail to catch up with the girls. When I got to college, I had the constant internal battle of “do I drink or do I not”. I knew not to go out much because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to turn a drink down. I didn’t like alcohol or the way it made me feel. My inner knowing knew. But my desire to fit in led me away from those internal emotions. I felt disconnected, alone, and on edge when I drank. Interesting, right? The things that we are conditioned to believe “take the edge off” only create more anxiety, worry, and disconnection. I also didn’t want to hide from my real emotions. I never understood “taking the edge off” when feeling all the feels got us to a place of deeper understanding, of ourselves and others. A place of greater balance, awakening, and growth. But, what 21-22-year-old doesn’t drink? How would I go to social gatherings, feel included in parties, and be fun?

But right there is the issue. Could I not be fun without alcohol? Was I not allowed to go to social gatherings and simply not drink? Were parties merely an excuse to get intoxicated rather than being present with the ones we love? Seriously, when I sat down and thought about all of the excuses and reasons I came up with to rationalize drinking, I realized how much I fed into this false narrative that Smirnoff and Tito’s commercials wanted me to believe. Every time these commercials come on, you see a group of friends, laughing and enjoying life. We believe that alcohol is what brings us together because we’ve been over-conditioned and desensitized to reality. When in fact, alcohol takes us further apart from each other, resulting in a lack of connection and a suppressing of emotion.

I want to feel vulnerable and on edge. Because this is where the growth occurs. We are told to “step out of our comfort zone” but the second we are really uncomfortable, we’re conditioned to believe that drinking and numbing are the answer. Why aren’t we taught to sit and feel? Instead, we’re taught to sit and sip. And this is not what I wanted.

Listening, Knowing, and Being

I haven’t publicly talked about my relationship with alcohol outside of those close to me. Partly because I knew once I did, I would be held more accountable and it would become part of who I am. But, I want this to be a part of who I am. I want to listen and know and be. It never seemed worth sharing with the world because who cares if I do or don’t drink? Maybe in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter. Alcohol isn’t always the issue and though I do believe it’s possible to drink in moderation and not have a difficult relationship with it, I also believe that so many rely on drinking to solve their issues. When, in fact, it causes more issues. It has been proven that alcohol leads to greater debt, lower quality of sleep, more traffic-related deaths, increase domestic abuse, and lessened productivity. So, maybe my story doesn’t entirely matter but in the grand scheme of things, just a few people reducing their consumption of alcohol will lead to a society that is more connected and free. One that listens within, follows their inner knowing, and can just be; without relying on external substances to numb and take the edge off. I was never an alcoholic but getting completely sober in this past year was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I could have done.

I may not have a dramatic story of being an alcoholic and recovering but if I didn’t listen to my inner knowing and lean into my emotions, I may have never been able to share my story at all. I may have been numbing out and going against my truth every single day. In this past year, I’ve become more in tune and connected to myself and the world around me and this is what matters. Giving myself permission to stop drinking opened up more doors than I could have asked for. Maybe giving up alcohol isn’t what you need or want to do, but this is your permission to listen to your inner self. Ask yourself what you really need and stop letting the world control how you feel and the choices you make. Give yourself one year of permission and watch how many doors open for you. When you say yes (or no) to small things in your life, it’ll work its way up to the bigger, more important things. Give yourself one year to listen, know, and be where you need to be. Give yourself one year of making the necessary changes you need in your life and watch yourself bloom in all areas.